Easily Excitable

The first time I ever heard “word of the year” might have been around 2020ish? Honestly, it could have been 2016. I’m terrible at keeping track of time these days. 

It feels like I graduated college two years ago, though in reality, it’ll be ten next year. 

At any rate, at some point, I heard the phrase “my word of the year.’” This trend has you choose a word you want to focus on and pursue for the year.

I’m an English major. I can appreciate that. I like words. 

And then I started hearing some of these words people were choosing. Their words were things like ‘emergence, ‘harmonizing,’ and  ‘metamorphosis.’

I had to get out a dictionary to figure out some of these. Seemed like a lot of work. 

So, for a long time, my approach to the ‘word of the year’ trend was such: good for you, not for me.

This year, one word’s been coming to mind, though. 

I almost didn’t write this post because this trend seemed silly, and the word that kept coming up seemed too white-bread, too self-indulgent.

But, hey? Why not? 

That word that kept popping up is clarity. 

I know that sounds silly, but I want that to be my approach this year. 

My main reason? My brain gets messy. 

There’s so much noise. 

I’d like to blame it on my job: at the end of the day, I feel like there’s nothing but hot air left in my head.

Everytime someone says “Mrs. Kotara,” I lose a brain cell.

It’s not just the job, though: I think it’s got a lot to do with my phone.

I think I spend too much time on my phone. I certainly did toward the end of last year.

Had I spent that time reading, there’s no telling how many books I could’ve made it through. 

Social media makes clarity hard. 

Social media has made everyone an expert on everything: enough likes, and you have a veritable PhD in whatever you speak about. 

I’m all about expressing opinions: I think that expression is our God-given right. But I also think that, just because an opinion is allowed to exist, doesn’t mean it’s allowed access into my mind. 

Social media has stopped being a place of pictures from high school and college friends; now, it’s an amalgama of videos, preaching this way and that. 

My algorithm makes no sense, save for one uniting theme: much of it is really good at looking to spark up my rage. 

All this intake? It’s no surprise my brain’s a little muddled up.

Clarity is clear-headedness. 

It’s the opposite of jumble and incoherency.

I’d argue there’s nothing more important than clarity in terms of our purpose. We need clarity about our ‘why.’

When the why is clear, everything else tends to falls in line. Without a clearly defined purpose, it’s hard to justify going all out. 

Why go full speed if you’re not sure where you’re headed and why you’re headed there in the first place? 

I need to know my purpose in all things: 

As an aunt-

As a wife-

As a teacher- 

As a friend- 

As a leader-

As a writer-

Clarity in each of those areas makes giving 110% the only reasonable option. 

Without clarity, I think our fall-back reaction will always be to just float about, untethered. 

Clarity is also needed in our core beliefs.

I think it’s noting that there are gray areas to our black and white stances: it’s accepting that, even in my strongest opinions, there are questions around it that deserve to be noted and asked. 

Case in point? I’ll take my career. 

I do believe God, for whatever reason, gave me a disposition toward teaching. I won’t go so far as to say I’m great at it, but I give great effort, and isn’t that what really matters? 

My black and white opinion: I’m meant to teach in some capacity. 

The gray area of that is in the last three words: in some capacity. 

I love my job, and I’m happy there now. Is every day a trip to Candy Land? 

My classroom, which smells like a mix of maple syrup, Axe body spray, and feet would argue not quite. Teaching isn’t a fairy tale. 

All the same, I believe in what I do, and I believe in public education. I believe that we have hope, so long as good men and women are willing to take up that mantle and intercede on the behalf of kids who don’t have a chance otherwise. 

However, I can’t tell you that I will make it to retirement here: I don’t say that as a ‘writing on the wall’ type statement. 

I like to think I will, but I know my plans don’t take precedent here. There’s One who knows the full story with a perspective I don’t have, and when it comes to these things, He’s a lot better than me. 

Some desires for this clarity, right off the top of my head? 

I want to have an expectation that God will respond to my prayers, but I don’t want that expectation to cut out the wonder when He does.  

I want to be humble enough and sensitive enough to apologize when I’ve wronged others, but be led by true remorse, rather than a need for approval. 

I want to seek to understand where others are coming from, but not be swayed from the beliefs I know to be my own. 

I want to be pliable so that, when a better way is offered, I’m not too stubborn to change my mind. 

I want to know beyond what I believe and better know the why, as well as the intricacies of those beliefs. 

I want exude inexplicable joy, no matter the circumstance. I want to serve without questioning the recipient’s merit. I want to give, laugh, work, enjoy, and be grateful.

I want to leave things better than where I found them, as much as possible.

The why is this: 

Jesus has kept me here, and He has put me in this exact spot, here in a singlewide, here in a public school, here in this marriage, here in my church, here in my family, here in Bleckley County to do whatever good works He wrote out for me since time began. 

He thoughtfully, lovingly, drew up those plans. 

My prayer is for clarity to see how I can make the most out of that- how I can take His love and give it to anyone and everyone in my path, whether it’s a student at school or the cashier at Circle K. 

I want clarity because I don’t want to squander that opportunity. 

That’s my goal for the year.